Sunday, January 17, 2010
I want it drained. I want all the envious emotions drained.
I can't expect to be a friend if I keep doing these things. Saying these things. Thinking these things.
I'm still not over it completely. Yeah, I said it was alright that we went our separate ways. Yeah, I said I was finally okay with everything I saw, but those were all lies. I was saying it to make you happy. Not that you already aren't, as you said.
But you obviously are.
And I don't want to put myself down, (because you'll most likely compliment me in ways that are inappropriate) but I know that she's better. She's prettier. She's most likely more interesting and less smothering. I can say many more things that make her more than me.
And that's just me justifying why you came back.
Why you said "no".
Why I think you're lying.
Why...all of this makes no sense.
Why it had to happen, and I wasn't told.
And it's not okay. Not at all. It's never been okay. There's still a bunch of stuff I want to ask you.
1) When I asked you if anything you said was a lie, I even meant that whole thing about why you didn't want to try again. So...what was that about not wanting to hurt me?
2) Was that just to brush me off lightly? Because it hit really hard.
3) Does all of this mean that I was just some appetizer in between meals?
4) Is it irritating when I ask these questions? Because I could ask a whole lot more. These are all way past due, and the reason why I didn't ask in the first place was because I didn't want to disturb you.
Disturb you? That's near impossible, isn't it? Because you're always in your little bubble. A little bubble that doesn't pop no matter what. Once you're happy, nobody else matters. Nobody's problems are really problems, are they? Nobody can let off a little steam on you. Everyone's below you. Like you're some sick kind of monarch. With your most recent queen. But one can only know of the coronation by word of mouth. I'm apparently too lowly to deserve direct notification of things like this when it matters. Like when the king entertains the handmaiden with the idea of becoming queen. Even if it's something brief and playful, it still puts hopes into the maiden's heart, hopes of have, would have, and could have been. But she continues her work as if nothing happened. But she sings as she works, a small, quiet song of sadness and worry. What will she do next? Where will she go? How can she stand working for someone who she should have hateful spite for? Because she feels attached to her lord.
Yes, I've used that wording. I've said "queen" and "monarch" and "her lord". Not because I look up to you in that way. But because that's how we interact 90% of the time. I cannot count the times you've called me "good girl". It's not that I dislike it. I enjoy praise. But...why "good girl" why not something else? Something different? Unless that's the only thing you can say to me.
Please, I beg you. Just tell me one thing, at least.
What do I mean to you?
I can't expect to be a friend if I keep doing these things. Saying these things. Thinking these things.
I'm still not over it completely. Yeah, I said it was alright that we went our separate ways. Yeah, I said I was finally okay with everything I saw, but those were all lies. I was saying it to make you happy. Not that you already aren't, as you said.
But you obviously are.
And I don't want to put myself down, (because you'll most likely compliment me in ways that are inappropriate) but I know that she's better. She's prettier. She's most likely more interesting and less smothering. I can say many more things that make her more than me.
And that's just me justifying why you came back.
Why you said "no".
Why I think you're lying.
Why...all of this makes no sense.
Why it had to happen, and I wasn't told.
And it's not okay. Not at all. It's never been okay. There's still a bunch of stuff I want to ask you.
1) When I asked you if anything you said was a lie, I even meant that whole thing about why you didn't want to try again. So...what was that about not wanting to hurt me?
2) Was that just to brush me off lightly? Because it hit really hard.
3) Does all of this mean that I was just some appetizer in between meals?
4) Is it irritating when I ask these questions? Because I could ask a whole lot more. These are all way past due, and the reason why I didn't ask in the first place was because I didn't want to disturb you.
Disturb you? That's near impossible, isn't it? Because you're always in your little bubble. A little bubble that doesn't pop no matter what. Once you're happy, nobody else matters. Nobody's problems are really problems, are they? Nobody can let off a little steam on you. Everyone's below you. Like you're some sick kind of monarch. With your most recent queen. But one can only know of the coronation by word of mouth. I'm apparently too lowly to deserve direct notification of things like this when it matters. Like when the king entertains the handmaiden with the idea of becoming queen. Even if it's something brief and playful, it still puts hopes into the maiden's heart, hopes of have, would have, and could have been. But she continues her work as if nothing happened. But she sings as she works, a small, quiet song of sadness and worry. What will she do next? Where will she go? How can she stand working for someone who she should have hateful spite for? Because she feels attached to her lord.
Yes, I've used that wording. I've said "queen" and "monarch" and "her lord". Not because I look up to you in that way. But because that's how we interact 90% of the time. I cannot count the times you've called me "good girl". It's not that I dislike it. I enjoy praise. But...why "good girl" why not something else? Something different? Unless that's the only thing you can say to me.
Please, I beg you. Just tell me one thing, at least.
What do I mean to you?
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